I’ve been doing a lot of thinking during this time of my unemployment. I’ve been thinking about the person that I am now and the person that I was before all of the things that complicated my life. I just feel so lost. Honestly, I have never felt so lost in my entire life. I sit around thinking to myself “what am I doing?” I have never felt like this before. Everything has changed and I feel so lost and alone.
When I was working with the company Autism Behavior Consultants I think I created a comfort blanket and I hid behind that. I was so comfortable behind both that and my marriage. I’m still married but I feel all the complications even more so because at the same time I feel lost. I look myself in the mirror and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I think I need to gain back the structure I once had. I need the discipline I once had. When I was younger I had this undying respect for myself. I was pretty fun to be around. As I’ve grown older I’ve grown more separated and distant.
I’ve been working on both my physical self to get back in shape and my mental self to also get back in shape. It just all feels so hard. It feels incredibly difficult. Although I am married, I still often times feel alone. My marriage is tainted and I don’t know how to fix it. All of these things play such a role on how I view or see myself.
Today I decided to spend some time alone and just listen to music. I decided to play WIlde Belle for an hour and just try to get back to my roots. I used to be the person who people would admire for both my style and musical taste. I used to be so strong and personable. I’m not those things anymore. But I want all of that back. I am working on getting it all back.
For today’s song choice I am going to choose Wild Belle and their song “It’s too late” only because it never is.